Emotionally Competent Leadership

What's My EQ?

The 18 behaviors of emotionally intelligent people was an interesting article, and I needed to reflect on it for a while. The terminology itself makes me cringe a bit, because, as I have said before, I would rather problem-solve than deal with tears or other emotions. The ability to be detached and think rationally in the midst of a crisis has served me well over the years in my role as an ICU nurse. I tend to think rationally about emotions as well. I realize a new nurse is not asking for help because she is embarrassed, nervous, overwhelmed or shy, and I adjust my approach. I understand parents are difficult at times, because they are angry, feel powerless, are frustrated, or feel stressed. Once I determine what is going on, I decide on my next step. I can be supportive, empathetic, encouraging, reassuring, etc… as needed, but I tend to be more analytical about the situation than emotional. This manner of handling emotions is apparently consistent with the INTJ personality. Remaining calm and detached is a means of protecting my own emotions according to the description of this personality type, and I am sure that is exactly right when I consider my particular work setting.

5 traits from the list which I identify with most are as follows:

Know my strengths and weaknesses
Good judge of character
I tend to analyze things, so these two tend to be true most of the time.

Do not seek perfection
Appreciate what I have
Working in the ICU has taught me there are no guarantees in this world. Everyone is dealing with something, and challenges are part of life. I am thankful for the life I have, and I know most of the problems or issues I encounter are not the end of the world.

A favorite quote, which I have shared often:

Disconnect

This one is easy for me as an INTJ. I definitely recharge internally, and I always find that time one way or another. Cooking relaxes me, running is great for thinking and reflecting, and I keep trying to get started with meditation, although that one is quite challenging. I may find quiet time, but it is not as easy to totally quiet the mind!

Additionally, these are areas in which I continue to need work:

Curious about people – As an INTJ, I find I must be intentional about building relationships. I can do it, but if I don’t think about it, it is easy for me to exist in my own little world much of the time.

Embrace change – I wouldn’t say I am resistant to change, however, I am resistant to change that is not an improvement. There is a difference. It is easy to have “knee-jerk” reactions to events, or to jump on board with the latest trend, but these actions are not always best in the end. It is difficult, at times, to be supportive of decisions, which seem suboptimal, even if they may be the most appropriate given the situation and resources at hand.

Don’t hold grudges – It is easy to be upset with someone who creates barriers or seems uncooperative. I continue to work on keeping a neutral tone (my kids will tell you this is one of my favorite suggestions!) when talking with difficult people. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I do so knowing the history and with some wariness.

Get enough sleep – This will improve in about four weeks!

Hiring EQ Nurses

EQ, or emotional intelligence, refers to one’s ability to be aware of and manage their own emotions and to adapt them in order to interact with others effectively. A nurse leader in our organization once said, “I can teach you the technical skills; I can’t teach you the attitude.” I have seen this wisdom play out many times over the years. Employees who are unable to work well as a team have many difficulties which are hard to resolve.

In our interviews, we ask many questions and pay close attention to the relationship skills the applicants discuss such as working on a team, teaching others, handling conflict or being accountable. I remember one applicant who talked about a resident physician who “didn’t know what he was doing” and how she had to “set him straight”. While it is not unusual for a resident to need some education or coaching from a seasoned nurse, the approach she used (as well as the tone), told us a great deal about her EQ.

It is difficult to change something if you don’t know what it is or why it needs to change. Too often, people with lower EQ are unable to see how they may be contributing to a problem. It is logical, then, for organizations to look for candidates who will not require additional resources to help them become team players and be effective in their role.

Lessons Learned

Henry Cloud’s article “Ten Things Successful People Never Do Again…” listed several things that are essentially lessons learned from experience. They are life lessons, which can apply to both work and personal situations. Overall, the theme is to be true to yourself and to take a pause and reflect before everything. It is true that taking time to consider a situation usually results in better choices made.

I would also add:

1. Successful people do not dwell on mistakes – it is good to reflect, but then it is important to move on, lesson in hand.

2. Successful people do not judge people quickly – everyone has an off day. If we judge someone based on one not-so-great encounter, we may miss many outstanding qualities that didn’t happen to show up that one time.

Using EQ with Millenials

The Simon Sinek talk, Millenials in the Workplace, particularly resonated with me. Many of our younger nurses demonstrate the qualities he described, whether or not they officially belong to the millennial category. While energetic and tech savvy, they often struggle with interpersonal communication and building relationships.

As a mother of two young adults who are the same ages as many of these nurses, I find myself coaching them in a similar fashion. At one point, someone told me they had found me intimidating when they first started working in our unit, which was rather devastating to me, since I always tried to go out of my way to be friendly to everyone. I realized, however, that I needed to do more to demonstrate that I was approachable. I not only offered to help newer nurses with tasks, but I began telling them stories about similar situations in the past, showing them an easier way to do something, or teaching them a new skill with no judgement - “It took me three or four times to get that right – you’ll get it!”.

Once I changed my approach, I noticed these same nurses were calling me when they needed help, or seeking my input when they weren’t sure what to do. I also make a lot of effort to sit with people at lunch who are off by themselves or who I know are relatively new, and I engage them in conversation. It’s kind of fun to see the phone get laid aside as they realize someone is interested in talking to them. These are a few things we can do to create the environment of trust and cooperation Sinek discussed. I am always open to new ideas as well!

What's Your Story?

The Ladder of Inference discussed by Trevor Maber reminded me of a speaker I heard several years ago. He divided us into small groups and gave us the following scenario: a coworker has started coming back from lunch 20-30 minutes late every time you work with her. He gave us two minutes to come up with as many reasons as possible why the person was doing so. GO!

No problem:

• Lost track of time

• Started a walking program

• Calling home to check on a sick child

• GI issues

• Watching a new soap opera

• Lazy

• Looking for a new job

• Calling their mechanic

• Leaving the building to buy a healthier lunch

• Fatigue

• Pumping breast milk during break

• Taking a smoke break

• Etc...

When he called us back together, among all the groups we had over 25 possible reasons the person was taking extra time at lunch. Which was the right answer? He told us: It could be ANY of them, or others we hadn’t thought of yet. The truth was (and usually is) we didn’t know.

What we tend to do most of the time is pick one story from the list – she’s not keeping track of the time.

Based on the story we choose, we have a feeling – angry, annoyed, disrespected.

Based on how we feel, we act - snub the person, make snide remarks, have an angry confrontation.

We base our reaction on the story we told ourselves, but it may be the wrong story.

What if we found out the person’s mother was in hospice care, and she was calling to talk with her each day during her lunch hour? Our reaction would most definitely be different. We would have different feelings about this story (sorrow, sympathy, compassion), and we would act differently in response to them (ask about her mom, offer additional breaks, listen).

In addition, if we had been treating this person poorly, because we told ourselves the wrong story, we might be embarrassed and feel bad about our behavior. We would also realize we had added to her stress level at the worst possible time. It is critical to “know the story” before we react.

This is one narrative I have shared many times over the years. It has influenced me greatly, and to this day, I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Things are often not as they seem, and we should be slow to judge.

Leadership Development

Porter O’Grady and Malloch (2015) state “Leadership occurs in the space between individuals working together. It is an emergent property of their relationships, and not the management or direction of work by individuals placed in superior positions.” (p. 393). This philosophy is evident in our workplace. We have many nurses who are leaders in a variety of ways, regardless of whether or not there is an accompanying title. Nurses feel free to make suggestions, to advocate, to ask for clarification and to participate in the work of the unit. As the QI coordinator, I often see teams come together and provide leadership to the rest of the unit for improvement of patient care. These opportunities are the things that engage nurses and help them grow in their knowledge and skills. I believe my role, and the role of our unit director, is to create and support the opportunities.

Some of the quantum leader traits I will continue to work on include:

• Compassion - As an INTJ, I know my tendency is to be somewhat detached, and this quality serves a purpose. It is necessary, however, to find the correct balance, and this is something I continue to grapple with.

• Resilience - Dealing with disappointments and failures requires resilience, and this quality is key to helping a nurse or team bounce back. This topic is definitely one I need to learn more about.

• Passion through balance - Finally, finding my focus in a time of information overload can be challenging. Understanding how to prioritize and zero in on a few key elements of work and allow passion to exist in those venues is essential to be effective and to find the purpose driving the work.

These three things should keep me occupied for some time!

In summary, Simon Sinek suggests that the role of a leader is to care for those you lead. He states people who feel safe will respond with trust and cooperation, and this environment leads to a team willing to work towards the vision the leader has set forth. Sinek calls this phenomenon “servant leadership”, and it requires leaders to have a high EQ. We have been commissioned!

References

16 personalities. (n.d.). Architect personality and emotions. Retrieved from https://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality-and-emotionshttps://www.google.com/webhp?hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjhqO3lkpPTAhWT0YMKHZITA8MQPAgD

Bradberry, T. (2015). Are you emotionally intelligent? Here's how to know for sure. Retrieved from http://www.inc.com/travis-bradberry/are-you-emotionally-intelligent-here-s-how-to-know-for-sure.html

Cloud, H. (2014). 10 Things Successful People Never Do Again. Retrieved from http://www.success.com/article/10-things-successful-people-never-do-again

Cole, S. (2014). Why emotional intelligence is more important to hiring than you think. Retrieved from https://www.fastcompany.com/3029306/why-you-should-make-emotional-intelligence-the-cornerstone-of-your-hiring-strategy

Forleo, M. (Director). (2016). How to be a great leader: Inspiring others to do remarkable things [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzBqJNh8z2U

Porter-O'Grady, T., & Malloch, K. (2015). Quantum leadership: Building better partnerships for sustainable health (4th ed.). Burlington, MA: Jones & Bartlett Learning.

TED-Ed (Director). (2012). Rethinking thinking - Trevor Maber [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJLqOclPqis

YouTube (Director). (2016). Simon Sinek - Millennials in the workplace [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MC2X-LRbkE